Complaining

What's the difference between complaining, a genuine call for help, emo-ing, or just introspecting?

Everywhere I look, people are complaining. People are calling out for the attention of others. It's always about me-first. No one truly gives a damn about others really.

We get so upset over what others say. Or do not say. We worry about our sorry life, fully missing out things that we can and/or should be doing.

Instead, it goes on to complain. Complain this, complain that.

We get complainer. We get bloody pessimist. We get fakers who's gonna fake that everything is alright - but they're lying to themselves, lying to others, liar liar liar.

It's not to be happy. It's not to be sad. It's just, to be.

And to hell with suicide. You've just taken the permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well, end of your life. The end. World still moves.


I'd rather prefer to be a resigned and contented person who walks this earth. I'm tired of all this me-first, all this I-should-deserve-it!

Because we don't be giving no more. No more sharing. Only me-first. Oh, us and our petty little problems.

To give and receive, you can't have either without the other one. Bloody selfish.

Self-esteem, pride, jerks, the meek, attention.

"I don't know how everyone else feels...but I definitely go through periods of extreme self-confidence, feeling like I can do anything. Perhaps a fan will sense that, like in a performance, and the hero image creeps out. But then someone will say something, however insignificant, or I'll get something in my head and, all of a sudden, I'm plummeting in the opposite direction, I'm a piece of shit, and I really can't do anything about it. That's where "Outshined" comes from, and why I'll never consider myself a hero."

Chris Cornell 

I think most of us fall guilty of building our self-esteem based on the words of others. We expect for praises, detest critics, and grew anxious for lack of attention given to us. It might be somewhat acceptable for us to feel these feelings at the moment the situation arises, but it gets worse if we held on to those words, and project our sense of self-esteem based on how others view us.

Because I think in the grand scheme of pictures, no one gives a damn on how you're faring - whether you're acing or tripping up. Just think of it this way: if you are worried yourself on your insecurities more than how others are faring, why wouldn't others feel the same? A good self-esteem begins with a sense of respecting yourself. If you don't respect yourself, don't expect others to do so. Simple as that.

Wait!, you say. That sound rather simplified and generic, right? Well, sometimes the simplest thing rings a lot of truth. And there's nothing wrong with 'mainstream', if it works...

Through my faring with people, I can see how there's two kind of people that rest on the two ends of self-esteem issues. One is the ego monster, and the other one is the depressed stickman.

The ego monster has an ego bigger than the whole world, and they damn well demand the proper attention. Usually they are quick to react to what they perceive as an attack to their self-esteem or pride - poke them, and watch them explode! They're very confident and are usually very good at persuasion, but they can be overbearing at times. Sometimes they goes into a bit of self-depreciation - but only to grab others attention (an easy terms to call them is attention whores). Pull away the attention from them, and they deflate into actual depression. They are jerks that are build from their sense of low self-esteem.

The depressed stickman has some issue standing out -they make themselves unseen (they think everyone view them 1-dimensionally), and they're too bloody meek. Not just meek in a good sense of the word - this is more to the point of people not trusting in them.  On the other hand, they tend to be very introspected in their thinking - they usually could figure out things others wouldn't do so, but their 1-dimensional projection makes it hard for others to give them due respect. They don't believe in themselves - not even some motivations from others could rouse them. They could be very sarcastic, and prone to series of self-depreciation (the kind done in a monologue manner). They are sad shadows that hang around people.


It's kinda sad how little pride we have in ourself, and how we either constantly needs others approval, or we are a sorry sad of ourself that is devoid of confidence.

I have no idea what the ego monster view their self-esteem as... but it's usually the introverted stickman that bore the brunt of being the example of those with self-esteem issues.  For the latter, I think it's important to remember that you shouldn't think along the line of 'I wish I could be like those extroverted people' - that would mean becoming someone who you're not, and that's a total waste of time. The ego monster seems a bit of a tough case - we can only hope that they don't spiral downward too bad before they come to the realization of just how much of a jerks they can be.

Depending on whichever ends we are, pride is something which we should give more attention to. With pride, we can truly come to the term that nothing that others say - or do not say - will hurt us. We just keep on living - remember, they also share the same sense of insecurity as you do, no matter how confident they appear.

This is surely an issue that can't be fixed right away - but we can always improve. And by improving, that would mean self-improvement. No one truly makes you feel better when you are down, and no one truly brings you down when you're at the top - it's you, yourself that does it all the while.

So have a bit more of confidence and pride in you. And don't ever give up on yourself.

Give and take

We are so used to the idea of taking, that we forget the art of giving.

Maybe that's why most of us are rather needy - materially and emotionally speaking.

By just receiving, receiving, and receiving - we expect more. We want people to give us something. We expect it. We become somewhat dependant. And when you take away the source, what do you get? Emptiness?

I feel like I should lower my expectation to receive from others, and focus on giving instead. I feel like it'd open up more opportunities and chances. Giving keeps things moving around, rather than just sitting there idly.

Share some piece of sunshine and heaven. To give and to take. You can't have the former without the latter.

Sense of self control

I ain't even mad! 

Isn't it sad how easy we are to lose our self control over the tiny space that is between the keyboard, and the internet?

One day we're gonna look back and realize how stupid we were to act like jerks there, and how insensitive we are with our words. How we forget that others can be hurt by those little act of insensitivity.

With that being said, there is an overwhelming lack of self control for us when we are to be held in front of what we view as a confrontation.

Take Facebook. How easy it is to think of everything in terms of comments and likes, forgetting that the real deal of the site (or at least that's how I view it as) is as a tool to connect with others. Not somewhere where you are to sit on a pedestal and act like jerks... or some dissatisfied jerks.

Jerks nonetheless.

I'm not saying we have to pretend and be some sort of all-around good guy or whatever. But it's kinda funny to think how we say things better left unsaid... or things you wouldn't even dare to say it outside even with the comfort of people who are in the same mindset as you are.

Self control. It's all about self control.

My view on social media is that it is a neutral thing in itself. But it is us users who fouled it up and use it to spread ignorance, close mindedness, hate, and most important of all, stupidity.

As for me? I'm mellowing down my temper and reminding myself how I'm lowering myself by losing self control out here. Well, not to say I won't go on ranting or whatnot - just that it's bloody not worth it to take it out in the form of attacks to others.

Maybe we are responsible with how we react to others' words, just as much as we are to be responsible with our words to others.

Time travel

There was a time when we were so free, when we practically had no life.

When chatting on random things was prioritized over sleep.

When were bloody emotional and angsty, yet we were not really alone.

When our lives were plain, and we seek out to know what's going on with others.

When we fight a lot, but we didn't take a lot of things seriously.

When we talk of big things, and we expect great things to occur in the future.


Now the future took place, and everyone goes on in life as if it's nobody's business.

Which is true, since life is each other's business after all.


Life goes on. Life goes on.

I don' expect you to miss that moment.

But I hope you won't ever forget it.

Music

Sometimes when I'm feeling in the mood of reminiscing, to think about all the things I've done, could have done, and didn't do.

I realized it's all in the present. You're living in the present. You can't go back to the past anymore.

Everyone's looking to the future - unless if you're dead, where it doesn't make a damn difference.

So learn from the past. Look forward to the future. Live the present.

It's somewhat comforting to know that unlike life, music is there for you to rewind, play, forward, loop, add, delete, shuffle. Revisit old records. Find unexpected gems. Play repeatedly. Create your own...


3 AM, and I've just read this post. Felt like throwing some rambling of my own.

Ah,  with this playing in the background...

Context

Pretty unusual for me to rant on petty thing such as this, but meh.

Seriously, hey, I know how a certain activity that I'm into... I'm not very much good at it (yet). Pretty terrible, you could say. So it's inevitable that people are going to comment on it now and then.

Yeah, I've heard the comments said out loud to me. No problem there, I know it's not certainly everyone's cup of tea - and I can only be said to be doing a sub-par (at least when taken into context with how the better ones are doing it) work so far.

But seriously, the moment someone who's into similar activity take what I do into the context of 'LOOK AT THIS' to ponder on the question why he had received some unsatisfactory remarks from others:

Don't be a faggot, will you? 

Hey, even I have pointed out others who are deemed to be doing a not so good work at it, but I don't use them as a target to put in the question of why people are not satisfied with what I do, OK? Sure they're not good and all, yeah, but that's that. My work is still not as good as the level of others, and I don't go bitching around how come these people aren't criticized as I did.

Well. I could go down the road of self depreciation and went on for strings of insults, but I think it's better to let it pass and work it all out for my own inadequacy. Well, smile it is then - 'cause it confuse people.

C:

Why?

You know what, everyone keeps lumping together the desirable trait that is desirable for the more introverted persons among us, as being assertive.

As in, 'be more assertive!'.

Yeah?

I don't know. Been plagued with the so-called problem for a long time. They say I need to change. I followed it to a certain extent. Then I found out that I hate people. I revert to my more introverted self. The cycle repeats itself.

Why is that? Are my insecurities and disgust with a lot of what people usually do the reason why I'm still trapped in my introversion? Or am I just trying too hard to change myself, hence the backlash came as a result of trying something new? Just how rigid and/or adaptive I am really?

I don't know. But I'm not feeling too good looking where this is all heading too.

Something need to change. I'm working on it. The Holden Caulfield is still there inside my head, and he's still learning to make sense of the people around him.

In observation, I analyze

All the aspects of humanity that I despise

The real world, it is brutal

A passive (but somewhat proficient) worker does not hold out for long.

Technical proficiency is not worthy if the transmission of idea is weak.

Academic is not equal to working field.

Stick solely by the books, and you'll be pretty much dead.

Things I never bothered to pick up during my studies. How then does this solitary theorist survive out in the hands-on working life?

Surely it's not too late for change... Never too late for anything, until you're dead I suppose.

Changes

Changes. I've seen people changed, seemingly forgetting the past memories and the relationship they shared with others. I've seen people who have turned into entirely different person, for better and/or worse.

And to look at myself, I've changed as well. Changed quite a lot, for better and for worse. Some entirely due to my own will, some as a result of adapting to the environment around me.

Changes: is it good or bad?

Changes are unfortunately, inevitable. The problem is when we assigned values and merits to the changes, comparing it with the past. Changes are necessary, for stagnation means death.

But when I say that, I wonder how the same could be applied to human feelings. Yes, our feelings changes over time, and that is what hurts. It brings out the cliched phrase 'things aren't the way they were before'.

Now I've long finished with my Degree study, and currently working before I continue my Master study. No doubt, my perspective to people (and their to me) have changed drastically since then. What does the future hold, and what more circumstances would bring about changes?

I await the moment when marriage, raising children, growing up old and sick, and being dead as being the milestones which bring about further changes.

Changes: is it good or bad?

Chill to my left and fever to my right

if at least I could leave something behind here…

Since when did I dry up and lose everything?

Why is everyone so far away?

Would you promise me

Things they'd never change

Could you promise me

That things they'd stay the same?

Till when?

I always wondered when is it that you have to stop the things that you enjoy doing and declare, 'I'm too old for this'?

I see it as a tie between these two answers:

'When you're tied down with responsibilities'

;and

'When you don't find that you enjoy it as you used to'

This song is here just to I could use the blog title post... and vice versa

Long-suffering

I consider myself as being long-suffering.

I'm somewhat not keen on grand things. I don't believe in getting something without some sort of struggling or working. I'm not straightforward, preferring to take a path that winds up here and there before arriving to the destination. I can take beatings without any complaint.

With that being said, I'm somewhat comfortable with routine things, and is somewhat reluctant for changes. But on a long run, I don't like being too comfortable for too long. I need some sort of challenges. Something to work myself off; something to keep me occupied. I actually don't think a 'perfect' life is actually attainable.

And yet at the same time, at my own pace.

Ah, what the hell. I'm a masochist (albeit not in a conventional way the word is usually referred to).

I'm sorry

I lied. And I've become the spitting image of... a person whom I don't understand.

What have I become?

I can't keep up with this bullshit anymore. Because the truth is, I've let myself being held back by that nagging thought. In actuality, I'm pretty much all right with my current situation - I don't have any major sickness, say; or family problem; or financial ones - but this one dissatisfaction and angst have left me all strung up and in a disarray.

And I've taken the frustration out to someone else in that one moment. Say what I want, but I am not going to be a faggot and say 'tsch tsch, t'was a brief moment of madness, whoops'. Because that's not how it should be. It's more complicated; there's a lot factor underpinning it. And I am indeed an idiot for not solving the problem head on.

"Misunderstanding is deadly for a friendship" - says a certain he. Amen to that bro. And I'm going to do my part to clear that up. Because it ain't been doing no one any good, no.

In short: I'm sorry for being an idiot and making things more complicated than it is. I have become bad guy.

I'm sorry.