Some random (quasi) philosphical musing again

It might be obvious from some of my last few ramblings, but I'm interested - or, you could even say, obsessed - with the whole notion of how transient the human life is.

That is of course not saying much, since I'm more or less still stuck with some necessary chores and obligation for this short lifetime of mine. But at the very least, I try to stick by to the principle of Carpe Diem - seize the day - as much as I can. Live with no regrets, and all that.

And somewhat at the same time, I've begin to develop an interest in the philosophy of existentialism. Again, this isn't saying much, but it does seems to me a philosophy which strikes closer to home for men as opposed to nihilism (although it does seems those two are closely related).

I don't understand many many MANY of the things in this world (even the simpler ones - especially real time events and 'common senses'), but I'm keeping an open mind. I like to think - except that it somewhat take a toll in those little 'everyday' stuff which most people would take as self evident. But it's all right, I'll persevere.

Talking (or more to the point, listening) to people excites me, how they relate their stories, experiences, point of views.

Somewhere out there, there are actually a lot of people who shares your thoughts and views. The question is how to find them, and when you do, how to relate everything to a bigger picture.

In the meantime, I'll keep on writing. And thinking. These somewhat drives me forward. I can't afford to let myself stagnate - I refuse to. And be it may that it turns off other people, or if they find it barely comprehensible, but this is my way.

Quasi philosophical musing again. Think. Write. Reflect. Act. Seize the day.

Gosh.

Some people

You know, I just had a realization that I have not known (intimately) too many homosexuals throughout my short period in life.

Though curiously, my first encounter with a (closet?) homosexuals was about ten or so years ago, when I know of this one classmate who wrote about how he's always thinking of this one other guy (who is also a classmate).


I made this point to mention on those homosexuals who went on with their life quietly, without causing an uproar ala those celebrities (I'm sure you could think of a few). I don't exactly claim myself totally open on this subject, but I'm somewhat curious what goes on in their life:

When did they came to realize this? Were they open about it? If so, was the rejection severe? Did the fact was disclosed to family members?

'cause lets be honest, no matter how open a society is, these guys (and gals) get to be the subject of jokes and laughing stock among the straights.

This is not meant to incite an uproar; I'm merely pondering on it, is all.

Suddenly, for no reason at all

It all begins with a 'once upon a time'

But I'll talk more about it later. On the subject of being open minded, and of communication.


In the short period of blogging, I've gone from random topic recapper to quasi-reviewer to ranter to pseudo-philosophical rambler. Not sure where things will go on from this point, but I'll persist.

And yes, I know I think a lot - sometimes even more than what is usually needed for the situation, ahah.

Post... whatever

I play on the word, heh


1) I wonder if anyone else ever had those excitement level building up for a certain something (can be a person, an object, an event, or whatever), only to later revert back to the old mundane everyday live, looking forward for the next chance to break free, to... make a difference in everyday's life, if you wanna call it that.

Maybe it's those little things which really makes me happy. Then again, something is bound to be seized from all those 'mundane' days. Little things, isn't it...

I don't really know what I'm talking there.


2) Not feeling up for some coherent writing here (well, that doesn't really matter), or the other place (also doesn't really matter, although I am somewhat forcing myself to do some [coherent] writing there, least my mind dulls and slips into stagnancy), and when I do write, they tend to be these kind of writing (here and there).

Anyway, got some sort of creativity spark going on, so expect something to be up there.

To see, or to hear?

Do you believe what you see?

Or do you believe in what you hear?

The question came when I was struck with the hypothetical situation of 'would you rather be blind or deaf?'

They say 'seeing is believing'; in my opinion, this statement holds true, as most of us are more content with believing in what we hear rather than confirming the so-called fact with our own eyes.

Perhaps that's why they call it 'the blind leading the blind' rather than 'the deaf leading the deaf', seeing as the power of sight holds a greater power than hearing. And which is perhaps why you hear more of the cry 'listen to me!' rather than 'look at me!' - to hear is easier, as we Malay say, 'masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri' (rough equivalent translation would... hear it once, forget it next). It doesn't carry on the extra baggage needed in ascertaining a fact with your own eyes, which would then get your mind to work in putting all the pieces together, like.


By the way, I love Rumia more than Mystia. Just sayin'~

What was said, was said

Nasty stuff, be gone.

Sayonara mureru tamashii

So long, gathering souls

I love you Ranko ♥

A coprehensive breakdown

I had perhaps a personal recollection with a friend not too long before. This is an attempt at recollecting the recollection.

I'm considering putting a spoiler tag for this post, but I thought... fuck it, people have been bearing themselves open without any problem whatsoever, so why should I feel ashamed to do so?

I'm not sure how many of those who think they know me and thought, 'oh no, why the sudden lashing out?' Let me just start of by saying: no, you don't know me at all.

But with this bit or ranting, maybe you would know a bit more. Or maybe you don't want to know. Either way is fine by me.

(Perhaps by a stroke of coincidence, I've seen this blog post before I came to write all this down).

A brief yet comprehensive breakdown was had.
I died, and resurrected.

So I had been having a pent-up medley of emotion for the last couple of days - something further fuelled by my lack of sleep, and some other unrelated but totally unexpected and a-punch-to-the-face events - that at that point, right there last night, I let it all go.

I screamed to the uncaring sky. I screamed until I lost my voice. Then I screamed some more.

I kicked myself, feeling so pathetic. Feel the way how my last 20 year plus goes on without anything happening. I asked myself, 'what is it that I wanted in life?'

See, the problem is. It's always human relationship in the end. It comes down to two things that really fucking bothers me:

One, the fact that I feel so left. See, when all the 9-5 life passes by, then it's time to go with our outside work cliques isn't it?

Well, somewhat not for me. Because me, I feel so far from perfect, so incomplete, so not worthy, that I get the subconcious 'hey what the hell is this guy doing in here anyway' vibe whenever I go about...

Interestingly, one of my friend point out that that message - of being so left 0ut - is practically written all over my face. And that's just one guy, who admitted it after some coercing and opening up (from my side). I'm a fucking paranoid, and I wonder if the fact holds true with others.

So that's it. I don't groove with the rest, and it shows on my face. Well, I could go on say 'fuck people, Imma living like a hermit', but the second problem is:

I am clingy and overly dependent on others, no matter how I appear to be solitary. It's not a lie. Lemme tell you one thing: once upon a time, when I had been cut off from a few people which I used to talk to so much in my free time, you know what happen? I had a period of depression so bad that it's messing with my sleep and eating pattern.

At that time, I couldn't pinpoint the cause of all the misery. Now, after having seeing it again, I know what exactly is the whole problem.

OK messy recollection is messy, but... somewhere in between, the incompleteness, the far from perfect, the inadequecy... I've gone forward and become very envious of others. Not just the big things - which I most of the time don't really give a leaping fuck about them - but the small things. 'Why can't I do that?', 'I wished I went forward with that idea?', 'why do I feel so unloved?'. It's so destructive this feeling, that it's eating me from the inside. Really, envious is a terrible feeling - no wonder it goes under one of the seven deadly sins.

...Hey, I'll just go a bit off the tangent and go on the hypothetical question of 'if there was one thing you wished you'd do before you die, what would it be?'

Shallow answer, but it goes back and forth between 'get laid' and 'shred like a boss'.

Put it all on mainstream, mass idiocy, or whatever - but, I have a feeling that I won't truly feel happy even if those come to pass.

Deep down, underpinning all it is the desire to be remembered for who I am. That is it. The single desire to be remembered, amidst all the people that live and die on this small Earth...


No, I'm far from being riled up at the moment. Right now, I'm actually calm and relaxed. Really, letting it all go is one of the best things I did. Friends are awesome, no kidding. Cherish them, and live happily.

And my mood swing was actually noticed by some people off the 'net. I feel so ashamed for going on about how nobody gives a fuck about me, when they at least notice how I was... off. 'course, there's that barrier of not being able to say it outright, but eventually, we'll break that barrier down. Part of relationship and all, isn't it?

But. In the end, I don't want to be he who goes on how his life is terrible, how no one care about him - when it's actually the opposite, and how things could be so much worse, and that in the end, people actually care.

After I've let it all go, after I take it all in and sang all the negativity away, after a good sleep... I feel refreshed. I've gained some clarity on all this matter (even if this post may not reflect it ahaha), and there's the strong urge to not let all goes away in vain.

What shall I do now? I don't know, but overanalyzing it doesn't seem a viable option. As much as I love to go back and see what was the deal with my bout of depression in the past, I've decided that life happens now, and it's no use mulling back on some old scars.

So I shall go on, to live on the philosophy of Carpe Diem. To not let myself get so worked up on the little things. To not do something (or missed something) which I would come to regret later. For I have the obsession with the idea on how transient human life are, and the idea of mortality, potential, passion, knowledge, being happy...

And to whomever this message resonates in the 'net: get it all out of your system. Ask yourself 'what is it that I really wanted in life?', and go on to do what you like best. Well, you might not be able to reach the answer (I don't really know, to be honest), but at least it'll get you something to do.

For me, the answer would be along the line of... I wanted to be at peace, and to be given the chance to go for the pursuit of knowledge - and at the same time, just filling my time with some... well, art stuff, for lack of better word. Science, philosophy, and art, all coming at a crossroad. I'd really love that, yes.


Carpe Diem. Seize the day.

Dear God, I thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Random strumming

Felt the blues, picked a guitar that my colleague left, and came up with these random lines:


The human life
So transient
In the big picture
Of the universe
We are specks of dusts
We're so small

Our whole existence
Is but a miracle
Billion of years
Gone so fast
Are we the end?
Will there be none?

Our life are fleeting
Like sands upon the shores
No time to feel empty
No time to waste
So while we're still alive
Seize the day

Seize the day


Better than to roll around and feel the negativity isn't it. Even if this doesn't really make much sense hahaha.

Seize the day, boys

I sincerely believe that anyone who is really into something - who is really passionate about it - and who knows what they are doing, no matter how mediocre (or poor) the starting is, should be encouraged.

Or at the very least, stop giving them the evil eyes or snide remarks just because they're doing something different. Or are you jealous because you can't do the same thing, mm?

The truth about art (music, drawing, sculpting, and the lots), I think, is this; you see a lot of new faces everytime, some pretty good, some so-so, and some so... 'abstract' that you don't have an inkling what it's supposed to be (I think you know what I'm driving in by that). You'd be forgiven to think that the ones who made the cut are like since their starting. I think it's not wrong to say that there's an awful lot of absence of evidence - after all, who would go on publishing their failed attempts over the ones that work, right?

...hey, I'm not into the field of art myself, but I think this observation is sound, isn't it? Or maybe this fact is so obvious that everyone else know of it already, ha.



You know, I've only watched Dead Poet Society after a majority of this (admittedly rather short post) was written; and as I was watching it, I kept on thinking, hey this movie really resonate wells with my thoughts and thinking. It's a mighty good movie, and I love it to bits. I love movies that make me just wanna sit down and think.

I know I've put the video in the last post, but for sake of coherency and continuity, I'll recap it here:

And this, I believe, should resonate well not only to poems, but with all who are in the field of arts, whatever form they might be:

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

So to whomever passionate about arts - whatever form it is - I'll say keep on at it. You - yes, YOU: go on and persevere in whatever it is that you're passionate about.

Whatever am I doing with my life?

You see, I've heard so much about how people were regretting on how they didn't start something earlier. On how they wished they should have done so and so when they had the chance... on how they longingly wished they could start everything all over again.

And then right there, when it was 3 AM, as I prepared to sleep - seeing as I had to be in office later by 9 - I began to ponder the above question: whatever am I doing with my life anyway?

I'm in my early twenties now. Like a lot of people my age, I have graduated, and is now living in one of the most uncertain period of my life - the moment to decide whether we'll make it or break it. Majority of my then coursemates are seeking employment right now - and as for me, I've gotten a part time while I wait to resume my study in Master level.

So it's pretty much 9-5 life for me now before the offer comes, and yet I feel... that there is something not right here. What is it, I wonder...?

The answers seems to point out that it is partly because I still can't grasp on what the future holds for me... at least, in the near future.

I've come to the realization that I'm actually not too ambitious. It's pretty hard to excite me with the usual stuff that most people are crazy about - sports, cars, skirt chasing (figuratively), games, intoxication (except maybe ones involving knowledge... whatever that is). Not to say I've settled down on being apathetic and take whatever comes my way - it's just that, it's the little things in life that makes me happy. Like coming across some brilliant perspectives written by fellow netizens, making me smile at the fact that there are others of the same wavelength as I am. Or reading a damn good book that I have come to read it over and over. Or listening to some good music that it just made me to sit down and really listen. Or just some late night chat with people, discussing on everything and nothing at the same time. Or just getting my hands occupied preparing for some events, picking up some new knowlege which I would otherwise not be aware of.

Simple minded as I may appear to - not getting myself into what others are immersing themselves with, and just taking my sweet time with those small things - I'm actually anything but, seeing as I also come to ponder on things in a long, drawn out manner (such as now).

The thing is, I've realized how fleeting and transient our lives truly are. Heck, I could be gone the next few days after I wrote this for all we know. Which is why I've set some of my key philosophy of life as: live without regrets; and, I saw an opportunity and I seized it.

Like I said, I don't have too big a dream such as having big houses, big cars, girls with big assets (ehem ehem), big Spear The Gungnir (ehem ehem ehem), or big whatever. It's things like immersion into different perspectives, point of views, and ideas which I am really into - which comes at a bit of oddity, since I'm not much of a social magnet, nor an intrepid traveler. Still, when I do set out, I try to stick to those philosophies as much as I could.

I could lament the fact that I haven't done a lot of the things I've just gotten myself into way back... but on the bright side, at least I'm not in my 40s, with a midlife crisis. Or to take it even further, things could turn out much differently, and I could be a lichen living at the frigid icyness of the Artics, or some deep sea monster which the world never so much as know my existence, and I would not have all the aspirations and dreams.

As much my inner voice reflects an old man, rejecting a lot of things around me, the fact is I have just barely start to scratch the surface. There's so much to do, and so little time. So let me sum all this up with the brilliant saying: Carpe diem.

I am planning to watch this movie later, at the urging of my friend that it is mighty good

Weekend Warriors

Truth is, I've never heard of this song before.

You've gotta get out gotta get away
But you're in with a clique it's not
easy to stray
You've gotta admit you're just
living a lie
It didn't take long to work out why

It's hard to say why you got involved
Just wanting to be part
just wanting to belong...

Pretty personal lyrics for me.

A funky philosophical ride after a dose of shroom

(Reposting this from the other place - 'cause this one deserves a place here too. So full of 'wat', this)


You know, I had my dose of 'shroom just now, and right there, while reading Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything (it's a mighty good book - I'd recommend everyone to read it), I began to ponder the philosophical question of human existence:

Ask any astronomer, and they will attest to you how large and spacious our universe. How distant the star, how old the galaxy, how far we have come from the Big Bang.

Ask any geologist, and they will recite dates that goes not in years, but million of years, of events which are considered recent. The time when we could discern the evidence of earliest life form, events in the past which goes on scales so slow that they'd look awfully slow in our fleeting human lifetime.

And any normal layman who are not versed in these fields might thought, 'and how do they know all of this?'

Well, I've read the book several times, and the way how we came to know of some (our knowledge are so little) of the answers to the nagging questions never fail to amaze me. To be able to observe nature is one thing, but to (convincingly) explain how it all place together in the whole grand scheme... it's certainly marvelous. Humans are so amazing.

Which brings to this one crucial question: we are so self centered aren't we?

When we look at the brief period of written human history, we felt as if we were there since everything began. We never think of our own short life span, much less how little the whole history of the human race when compared with the overall time span that has passed since all of this began.

But really, does it all make any difference if we thought so? All those unthinkable period of time, distance, alien concept - do they really matters to us humans who are oh-so-full of desires, aspirations, dreams, blood, sweat, tears, and whatever else in between?

Think about it: before we are here, do the world even know we are coming? And after all the human race is gone (unless if we somewhat manage to survive like bacterias and viruses - constantly evolving, changing, adapting - but I'll leave it to the future generations to ponder on that) , does it matter the least whatever in the world happens with this, well, world?

So who cares if we get more ice ages, or if the Sun starts to expand, or if the continents moved and amalgamate to form a supercontinent? Certainly outside of human, all this are pretty mundane and pointless... don't you think?

Now, in this (rather shabby) philosophical thought, what underpin this whole rambling - what gotten me started on this - is the question: is there a higher deiti(es) after all?

No, before anyone grills me and accusing me of bringing about heresy (or those who came to embrace that notion), let it be known that I am merely trying to point out how our ancestors of old have come to believe in all those spirits, guardians, deities - whatever you call the unknown, the being(s) that control what is out of our control (yes I know that is not the best wording, but you get the idea).

And if you take the whole idea of evolution as true, that we retain some animalistic features from our much much early ancestors... then it does seem interesting how we are to believe in the Unknown. Do animals act that way? Or is that a mysterious feature that occur in our species? Could it be, could it be...?

For the sceptics, I wonder how they perceive a world that goes on without us, without a higher being, going on without a purpose. But well, in any case for as long as human speech and communication exists, the world revolves around our perceived large self - nature perhaps don't really give a leaping fuck to whatever happens to us, but so long as we life, I think it is natural to think we are the master of this world - never mind the fact how insignificant we are in this world.

There's really A LOT to be thought about this world... but maybe we'll do just fine without thinking that much, eh? Ignorance is bliss, and all that...

Meanwhile, some like this certain rambler, would go on and thinks on, perhaps after having his share on mushrooms...


And for the record, the mushroom in question is the edible ones, the ones where you can put in soup. I wonder how the heck this rush of thoughts could come though. Philosphical thought inducing mushrooms I guess?

Now, if the mushrooms could induce some other reaction... but whop, I'm getting slightly ahead of myself here~ ♥

And I know, I'm a philosopher/spacing outer with pervert tendencies, yeaaaaa

Familiarity...

...breeds contempt?

Or so they said. But from my own personal experience, I have to somewhat acknowledge this piece of saying.

Because perhaps it is not improbable that the longer you know someone, the more faults you'd find in them. And this doesn't necessarily have to be applied to fault finders - do this little experiment and think of someone you know for a long time, and see how many times you have skirmishes/disagreement/fight with them. Family members doesn't count by the way, since they're there for a long time to count as someone you eventually build up your relationship with.

'cause I have reserve a list of some people that I'd smack them if I was given the chance. Not because I hate them or anything - it's just that after knowing them for some time, it is so much easier for my annoyed button to be triggered. That's all.

Annoying annoyed annoying annoyed annoyer annoying annoy. ANNOYING.


It's not getting so much to the point of me avoiding social contact, but by now I certainly
understand why some would do so.

And I feel so pathetic for having these nagging thoughts for a while, bahhh.