I'm considering putting a spoiler tag for this post, but I thought... fuck it, people have been bearing themselves open without any problem whatsoever, so why should I feel ashamed to do so?
I'm not sure how many of those who think they know me and thought, 'oh no, why the sudden lashing out?' Let me just start of by saying: no, you don't know me at all.
But with this bit or ranting, maybe you would know a bit more. Or maybe you don't want to know. Either way is fine by me.
(Perhaps by a stroke of coincidence, I've seen this blog post before I came to write all this down).
A brief yet comprehensive breakdown was had.
I died, and resurrected.
I died, and resurrected.
So I had been having a pent-up medley of emotion for the last couple of days - something further fuelled by my lack of sleep, and some other unrelated but totally unexpected and a-punch-to-the-face events - that at that point, right there last night, I let it all go.
I screamed to the uncaring sky. I screamed until I lost my voice. Then I screamed some more.
I kicked myself, feeling so pathetic. Feel the way how my last 20 year plus goes on without anything happening. I asked myself, 'what is it that I wanted in life?'
See, the problem is. It's always human relationship in the end. It comes down to two things that really fucking bothers me:
One, the fact that I feel so left. See, when all the 9-5 life passes by, then it's time to go with our outside work cliques isn't it?
Well, somewhat not for me. Because me, I feel so far from perfect, so incomplete, so not worthy, that I get the subconcious 'hey what the hell is this guy doing in here anyway' vibe whenever I go about...
Interestingly, one of my friend point out that that message - of being so left 0ut - is practically written all over my face. And that's just one guy, who admitted it after some coercing and opening up (from my side). I'm a fucking paranoid, and I wonder if the fact holds true with others.
So that's it. I don't groove with the rest, and it shows on my face. Well, I could go on say 'fuck people, Imma living like a hermit', but the second problem is:
I am clingy and overly dependent on others, no matter how I appear to be solitary. It's not a lie. Lemme tell you one thing: once upon a time, when I had been cut off from a few people which I used to talk to so much in my free time, you know what happen? I had a period of depression so bad that it's messing with my sleep and eating pattern.
At that time, I couldn't pinpoint the cause of all the misery. Now, after having seeing it again, I know what exactly is the whole problem.
OK messy recollection is messy, but... somewhere in between, the incompleteness, the far from perfect, the inadequecy... I've gone forward and become very envious of others. Not just the big things - which I most of the time don't really give a leaping fuck about them - but the small things. 'Why can't I do that?', 'I wished I went forward with that idea?', 'why do I feel so unloved?'. It's so destructive this feeling, that it's eating me from the inside. Really, envious is a terrible feeling - no wonder it goes under one of the seven deadly sins.
...Hey, I'll just go a bit off the tangent and go on the hypothetical question of 'if there was one thing you wished you'd do before you die, what would it be?'
Shallow answer, but it goes back and forth between 'get laid' and 'shred like a boss'.
Put it all on mainstream, mass idiocy, or whatever - but, I have a feeling that I won't truly feel happy even if those come to pass.
Deep down, underpinning all it is the desire to be remembered for who I am. That is it. The single desire to be remembered, amidst all the people that live and die on this small Earth...
No, I'm far from being riled up at the moment. Right now, I'm actually calm and relaxed. Really, letting it all go is one of the best things I did. Friends are awesome, no kidding. Cherish them, and live happily.
And my mood swing was actually noticed by some people off the 'net. I feel so ashamed for going on about how nobody gives a fuck about me, when they at least notice how I was... off. 'course, there's that barrier of not being able to say it outright, but eventually, we'll break that barrier down. Part of relationship and all, isn't it?
But. In the end, I don't want to be he who goes on how his life is terrible, how no one care about him - when it's actually the opposite, and how things could be so much worse, and that in the end, people actually care.
After I've let it all go, after I take it all in and sang all the negativity away, after a good sleep... I feel refreshed. I've gained some clarity on all this matter (even if this post may not reflect it ahaha), and there's the strong urge to not let all goes away in vain.
What shall I do now? I don't know, but overanalyzing it doesn't seem a viable option. As much as I love to go back and see what was the deal with my bout of depression in the past, I've decided that life happens now, and it's no use mulling back on some old scars.
So I shall go on, to live on the philosophy of Carpe Diem. To not let myself get so worked up on the little things. To not do something (or missed something) which I would come to regret later. For I have the obsession with the idea on how transient human life are, and the idea of mortality, potential, passion, knowledge, being happy...
And to whomever this message resonates in the 'net: get it all out of your system. Ask yourself 'what is it that I really wanted in life?', and go on to do what you like best. Well, you might not be able to reach the answer (I don't really know, to be honest), but at least it'll get you something to do.
For me, the answer would be along the line of... I wanted to be at peace, and to be given the chance to go for the pursuit of knowledge - and at the same time, just filling my time with some... well, art stuff, for lack of better word. Science, philosophy, and art, all coming at a crossroad. I'd really love that, yes.
Carpe Diem. Seize the day.
Dear God, I thank You from the bottom of my heart.
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