Why?

You know what, everyone keeps lumping together the desirable trait that is desirable for the more introverted persons among us, as being assertive.

As in, 'be more assertive!'.

Yeah?

I don't know. Been plagued with the so-called problem for a long time. They say I need to change. I followed it to a certain extent. Then I found out that I hate people. I revert to my more introverted self. The cycle repeats itself.

Why is that? Are my insecurities and disgust with a lot of what people usually do the reason why I'm still trapped in my introversion? Or am I just trying too hard to change myself, hence the backlash came as a result of trying something new? Just how rigid and/or adaptive I am really?

I don't know. But I'm not feeling too good looking where this is all heading too.

Something need to change. I'm working on it. The Holden Caulfield is still there inside my head, and he's still learning to make sense of the people around him.

In observation, I analyze

All the aspects of humanity that I despise

The real world, it is brutal

A passive (but somewhat proficient) worker does not hold out for long.

Technical proficiency is not worthy if the transmission of idea is weak.

Academic is not equal to working field.

Stick solely by the books, and you'll be pretty much dead.

Things I never bothered to pick up during my studies. How then does this solitary theorist survive out in the hands-on working life?

Surely it's not too late for change... Never too late for anything, until you're dead I suppose.

Changes

Changes. I've seen people changed, seemingly forgetting the past memories and the relationship they shared with others. I've seen people who have turned into entirely different person, for better and/or worse.

And to look at myself, I've changed as well. Changed quite a lot, for better and for worse. Some entirely due to my own will, some as a result of adapting to the environment around me.

Changes: is it good or bad?

Changes are unfortunately, inevitable. The problem is when we assigned values and merits to the changes, comparing it with the past. Changes are necessary, for stagnation means death.

But when I say that, I wonder how the same could be applied to human feelings. Yes, our feelings changes over time, and that is what hurts. It brings out the cliched phrase 'things aren't the way they were before'.

Now I've long finished with my Degree study, and currently working before I continue my Master study. No doubt, my perspective to people (and their to me) have changed drastically since then. What does the future hold, and what more circumstances would bring about changes?

I await the moment when marriage, raising children, growing up old and sick, and being dead as being the milestones which bring about further changes.

Changes: is it good or bad?

Chill to my left and fever to my right

if at least I could leave something behind here…

Since when did I dry up and lose everything?

Why is everyone so far away?

Would you promise me

Things they'd never change

Could you promise me

That things they'd stay the same?