Time travel

There was a time when we were so free, when we practically had no life.

When chatting on random things was prioritized over sleep.

When were bloody emotional and angsty, yet we were not really alone.

When our lives were plain, and we seek out to know what's going on with others.

When we fight a lot, but we didn't take a lot of things seriously.

When we talk of big things, and we expect great things to occur in the future.


Now the future took place, and everyone goes on in life as if it's nobody's business.

Which is true, since life is each other's business after all.


Life goes on. Life goes on.

I don' expect you to miss that moment.

But I hope you won't ever forget it.

Music

Sometimes when I'm feeling in the mood of reminiscing, to think about all the things I've done, could have done, and didn't do.

I realized it's all in the present. You're living in the present. You can't go back to the past anymore.

Everyone's looking to the future - unless if you're dead, where it doesn't make a damn difference.

So learn from the past. Look forward to the future. Live the present.

It's somewhat comforting to know that unlike life, music is there for you to rewind, play, forward, loop, add, delete, shuffle. Revisit old records. Find unexpected gems. Play repeatedly. Create your own...


3 AM, and I've just read this post. Felt like throwing some rambling of my own.

Ah,  with this playing in the background...

Context

Pretty unusual for me to rant on petty thing such as this, but meh.

Seriously, hey, I know how a certain activity that I'm into... I'm not very much good at it (yet). Pretty terrible, you could say. So it's inevitable that people are going to comment on it now and then.

Yeah, I've heard the comments said out loud to me. No problem there, I know it's not certainly everyone's cup of tea - and I can only be said to be doing a sub-par (at least when taken into context with how the better ones are doing it) work so far.

But seriously, the moment someone who's into similar activity take what I do into the context of 'LOOK AT THIS' to ponder on the question why he had received some unsatisfactory remarks from others:

Don't be a faggot, will you? 

Hey, even I have pointed out others who are deemed to be doing a not so good work at it, but I don't use them as a target to put in the question of why people are not satisfied with what I do, OK? Sure they're not good and all, yeah, but that's that. My work is still not as good as the level of others, and I don't go bitching around how come these people aren't criticized as I did.

Well. I could go down the road of self depreciation and went on for strings of insults, but I think it's better to let it pass and work it all out for my own inadequacy. Well, smile it is then - 'cause it confuse people.

C:

Why?

You know what, everyone keeps lumping together the desirable trait that is desirable for the more introverted persons among us, as being assertive.

As in, 'be more assertive!'.

Yeah?

I don't know. Been plagued with the so-called problem for a long time. They say I need to change. I followed it to a certain extent. Then I found out that I hate people. I revert to my more introverted self. The cycle repeats itself.

Why is that? Are my insecurities and disgust with a lot of what people usually do the reason why I'm still trapped in my introversion? Or am I just trying too hard to change myself, hence the backlash came as a result of trying something new? Just how rigid and/or adaptive I am really?

I don't know. But I'm not feeling too good looking where this is all heading too.

Something need to change. I'm working on it. The Holden Caulfield is still there inside my head, and he's still learning to make sense of the people around him.

In observation, I analyze

All the aspects of humanity that I despise

The real world, it is brutal

A passive (but somewhat proficient) worker does not hold out for long.

Technical proficiency is not worthy if the transmission of idea is weak.

Academic is not equal to working field.

Stick solely by the books, and you'll be pretty much dead.

Things I never bothered to pick up during my studies. How then does this solitary theorist survive out in the hands-on working life?

Surely it's not too late for change... Never too late for anything, until you're dead I suppose.

Changes

Changes. I've seen people changed, seemingly forgetting the past memories and the relationship they shared with others. I've seen people who have turned into entirely different person, for better and/or worse.

And to look at myself, I've changed as well. Changed quite a lot, for better and for worse. Some entirely due to my own will, some as a result of adapting to the environment around me.

Changes: is it good or bad?

Changes are unfortunately, inevitable. The problem is when we assigned values and merits to the changes, comparing it with the past. Changes are necessary, for stagnation means death.

But when I say that, I wonder how the same could be applied to human feelings. Yes, our feelings changes over time, and that is what hurts. It brings out the cliched phrase 'things aren't the way they were before'.

Now I've long finished with my Degree study, and currently working before I continue my Master study. No doubt, my perspective to people (and their to me) have changed drastically since then. What does the future hold, and what more circumstances would bring about changes?

I await the moment when marriage, raising children, growing up old and sick, and being dead as being the milestones which bring about further changes.

Changes: is it good or bad?

Chill to my left and fever to my right

if at least I could leave something behind here…

Since when did I dry up and lose everything?

Why is everyone so far away?

Would you promise me

Things they'd never change

Could you promise me

That things they'd stay the same?

Till when?

I always wondered when is it that you have to stop the things that you enjoy doing and declare, 'I'm too old for this'?

I see it as a tie between these two answers:

'When you're tied down with responsibilities'

;and

'When you don't find that you enjoy it as you used to'

This song is here just to I could use the blog title post... and vice versa

Long-suffering

I consider myself as being long-suffering.

I'm somewhat not keen on grand things. I don't believe in getting something without some sort of struggling or working. I'm not straightforward, preferring to take a path that winds up here and there before arriving to the destination. I can take beatings without any complaint.

With that being said, I'm somewhat comfortable with routine things, and is somewhat reluctant for changes. But on a long run, I don't like being too comfortable for too long. I need some sort of challenges. Something to work myself off; something to keep me occupied. I actually don't think a 'perfect' life is actually attainable.

And yet at the same time, at my own pace.

Ah, what the hell. I'm a masochist (albeit not in a conventional way the word is usually referred to).

I'm sorry

I lied. And I've become the spitting image of... a person whom I don't understand.

What have I become?

I can't keep up with this bullshit anymore. Because the truth is, I've let myself being held back by that nagging thought. In actuality, I'm pretty much all right with my current situation - I don't have any major sickness, say; or family problem; or financial ones - but this one dissatisfaction and angst have left me all strung up and in a disarray.

And I've taken the frustration out to someone else in that one moment. Say what I want, but I am not going to be a faggot and say 'tsch tsch, t'was a brief moment of madness, whoops'. Because that's not how it should be. It's more complicated; there's a lot factor underpinning it. And I am indeed an idiot for not solving the problem head on.

"Misunderstanding is deadly for a friendship" - says a certain he. Amen to that bro. And I'm going to do my part to clear that up. Because it ain't been doing no one any good, no.

In short: I'm sorry for being an idiot and making things more complicated than it is. I have become bad guy.

I'm sorry.

Filler

After a while, you're afraid a lot less.

Enjoy this Friday everyone. Going back to home after being away for 3 months.

I think I've kinda lost the mood to write short thoughts here at the moment. The daily chores have dulled my mind.

Time to challenge myself and do something new. AND BE AWESOME.